Doubt

Friday khutbah. Lessons on the importance of patience, hardship and ease.

“Allah does not burden a soul more than it can bear” .. the preachers voice rings in my mind as I lay on my bed,
crying.
Unable to move.

Then why does my soul ache for rest,
heavy.

It has bore the scars of my existence so much that my body has offered to share the pain.

My muscles scream out to me, “we can’t do this anymore.”

As much as I try to reassure myself, the echo through the prayer room walls seems nothing like an hollow promise,
“With hardship comes ease”,
when will my hardship ease?

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Letter to an old friend

I used to know you
But now it’s too much for you to take my calls
All I did was give you my heart
Now I rebuke my heart for getting so easily attached
I reminisce about the friendship we had
Which is now a fallacy
You took me all the way
Then dropped me at the cliff’s edge
You didn’t hold my hand
You let me fall then ran away
Every message u reply to me
Is cold and hostile
Like you don’t want to be disturbed
Like you don’t want to be reminded
You don’t miss me
You only used me
Looked down upon me
Now you’ve found something else to do in your free time
You’ve found a new hobby
But
What you don’t realise is
You only cheated yourself
You were too scared in the face of true friendship
So you had to go and ruin it
I only hope that one day
You fix your self esteem issues.

Sanctuary

I am so lucky
I have a sanctuary
In the form of a home
In form of parents who are alive

I’m trying to get good
I’m trying to make it to the King
But it’s not been working
Not while I’ve been sitting here listening to Rihanna

This world is poisonous
It has poisoned my pure heart
It chips away at my firm faith
Until I question
If I have any faith at all
If I am religious at all

I get moments where I freeze
And I ask myself
Where is Allah?
Is He even here?
Astaghfirullah
But my sins drive me to that point

Questioning the existence of Allah
Is like questioning my existence
I cannot, will not exist without Him
I just don’t want to live
If there is nothing beyond this

Betrayal from friends, my sister
Betrayal from my father
Is all I have ever known
The world is no place to call home

So I hope that God erases the moments of insanity that I experience
I hope that something other than purity will make the part
I hope that someone as damaged as me is acceptable in the eyes of God
One day when I go up to meet Him

When my reality is worse than sleep
When the taste in my mouth is so bitter
When my skin is turning black
When my mother can’t look at me anymore
When my home is full of tension
When I haven’t achieved anything in life
When I’ve been pedalling the same bike for the last 10 years
When I thought the worst would be over but here I am
When I can’t stop the self-pity
When I’m tired of hearing about self-love
When all the therapists sound the same
When volumes of silence is all I get from people
When my sister is narcissistic but I am her only victim
When all I hear from my family is how inadequate I am and how I don’t deserve love
When I tried my best but my best does not even meet minimum standards
When I find comfort in self-sabotage
When I am ready to give up

 

Tell me then, When is life worth living?

Be love-d

Never having experienced his love
This is why my world is so cold
Never having set gaze upon his beauty
Nothing else compares
His actions, his strides down the road
His smiles, his sayings, his gentle touch
His knowledge, his forbearance, his patience, his wisdom and most of all his mercy.
These numerous gold mines closed down the day he stepped into the parallel world
I wish I could visit him now
Just his gaze on me would heal me
He would understand all of my worries and misfortunes
And he would counsel me
He would pray for me
And tell me that I am worthy
In the eyes of God
After all this is why he was sent
To save people who are astray like me
What an honour that I can utter the names of the beloved
Beloved of God
An exemplary
The one whose footprints are on the straight path
Once you dust away the sand you will find them there
So you won’t get lost along the way
How sweet the memory of him even though I’ve never sat with him
How tasteful the remembrance of him
I want to drink from your cupped hands
I pray He grants you intercession
Oh beloved of all things created and of God
A station never reached before
You came to teach us
Your humility
Your grace
Have imprinted in my mind
I seek to find someone just like you
But there is none other
So I will wait till the day that I meet you
I hope that you will notice me in the crowd
I have very little gifts to give from my life
And I am nothing more than ordinary
I hope that you will accept the likes of me into your fold
The day that only you can save us
And only you can give us hope.

Dear you

Dear you,

I wish I could see you smile. I wish I could hear you laugh. I grow tired of waiting to feel your warmth. Do you remember the little things that made you feel whole? The little things that made you see the light of the world? The little things that made breathing feel like flying?

I’m sorry you have lost so much. The lift while you walked, the sweetness of music, the taste of a fully belly.

I remember the sound of real laughter coming from you, on cold days in November. Walking home hand in hand with loved ones, talking loudly, laughing hard, feeling fulfilled with the day.

I remember seeing that fade away. Talking less, laughter leaving. The day tasting bitter. Satisfaction become a rarity. And then one day, it was all gone.

Do you remember me? Who we used to be?

I’m sorry I lost you, I strive to find you again.

 

Dear you,

You’ve stopped sleeping at night. You cry until your skin burns from the salt. Your head pounds with the pain from the screaming inside you. I can’t bear the pain.

Your wrists are cut and scarred. Your skin has lost all life. Your body is fragile. You don’t eat or drink. Nothing is filling. Food is tasteless, like life itself now.

I know you feel shame, you cant explain why you feel like this. I wish you weren’t afraid. I wish you knew you’re not alone. I wish you could find the strength to get help, I promise its out there.

Where have we gone?

 

 

Dear you,

Your body feels heavy. Your eyes are rolling back. What have you done? What have you taken?

Can you breathe?

Your heart is slowing down. You’re getting pale. What have you done? What have you taken?

Can you hear me?

You’re moving too slowly. Your voice is weak. What have you done? What have you taken?

I cant feel you any more.

We’re dying. Can you feel it?

 

 

Dear you,

You are loved. You are wanted. You are alive.

I can see your trials. I can see your recovery. I can see your strength.

You’re getting help now. You’re learning to cope. You’ve found the light to life, I can see it.

You talk to her, she helps you understand. She listens. She guides. She never judges.

I’m glad you found your way. I’m glad you took the steps. I’m glad you’re putting yourself back together.

I hope to see a better us soon.

 

 

Dear you,

I can see you smile again. I can hear you laugh again. You feel so warm, so warm again.

You feel whole again. The world is bright again. Breathing feels like taking flight again.

You have your bad days, I know you do. But I know you work hard to keep going. I know you do. I’m proud of you.

I know the days can feel full once and empty another, but I’m glad you can feel again.

I know the world is never as it seems. Happiness is not easily achieved and depression does not discriminate.

But hey, you. I’m so proud of you. Keep going. I know you, you have the strength to get up and carry on.

Please try to understand, that I’m proud of you.

Love,

Me.

I’m sorry, the old me can’t come to the phone right now. Why? Oh cos she’s depressed

Depression is hating your life but still attempting life.
Depression is not always wishing you were dead, but sometimes wishing you didn’t exist.
Depression is loving to sleep cos it’s the only time you don’t have to deal with your thoughts.
Depression is struggling to sleep cos you can’t get away from your thoughts.
Depression is being unable to get out of bed cos you lack motivation and energy.
Depression is being unable to study cos of your mind fog.
Depression is thinking you’re crap so much that you start to believe that that’s what others think of you.
Depression can make you afraid to be open with people cos you think you’re a waste of time.
Depression is wishing a physical illness on yourself so you can receive a kind word from someone.
Depression is messing up all your close relationships and pushing people who care about you away.
Depression is wishing they didn’t give up on you but realising that you gave up on yourself too.
Depression is battling against self-doubt and insecurities on a daily basis.
Depression is wanting to reach out to the friends who said they cared whilst simultaneously being angry that they didn’t care enough to stay.
Depression is wishing to be told you’re an amazing person because it’s hard to see that and tell yourself that sometimes.
Depression is hating to be so needy and reliant on other people validating you.
Depression is wishing people needed you as much as you need others.
Depression is struggling to love yourself.
Depression is hoping people realise you’re depressed without you telling them.
Depression is wishing people would reach out to you first instead of making the first move.
Depression is trying your best not to blame yourself for everything that happened while you were depressed but failing miserably and living with the guilt.
Depression is tiring.
Depression is doubting you’re resilient enough for med school.
Depression is feeling so stupid that you procrastinate your work.
Depression is not thinking you’re smart enough, or pretty enough, or good enough for anything or anyone.
Depression is finding time for counselling amongst all the other stuff that you need to do.
Depression is holding a prescription of meds for weeks before plucking up the courage to buy it from the pharmacy.
Depression is isolating yourself.
Depression is the loneliest you’ll ever feel.
Depression is wanting friends around you even though you push them away.
Depression is a rollercoaster of emotions every day.
Depression is one step forward in recovery and then two steps back.
Depression is crying in bed, crying in class, crying on the tube, crying everywhere.
Depression is no one being aware that you’ve been crying.
Depression is invisible.
Depression is saying you’re ok when you’re not.
Depression is becoming a really good liar.
Depression is wanting company.
Depression is a bitch.
Depression is nobody knowing how hard you’re fighting your thoughts but wanting to be recognised for it.
Depression is wanting to kill yourself.
Depression is looking forward to death even though you’re not ready for it.

Kulsum Ansari

Love and Longing

Only a few of us do not crave the need for love and longing
The overwhelming majority are scattered, fighting for survival
Nevertheless, do not underestimate the prospects of the arrival
Of something so significant that solidifies and completes your belonging

Some name this deeply-rooted love and longing a relationship with God or a holy deity
Others may find comfort in the simplicities and beauties of life
Whereas some struggle so much with loneliness that they resort to a knife
It may take a while but I promise you, we will power through the anxiety

It is no wonder the qualities of love and longing are so highly valued
The darkness, the loneliness keeps consuming humans at an incredible pace
Why is that in a world that is so connected and transparent we struggle to show our real face
Where we can acknowledge and accept our flaws, our humility, and our vulnerabilities in gratitude

Our imperfections iterate that nobody is perfect; we all need love and longing
After all, we are not born without our shortcomings and faltering sobriety
It is time for the stigma to be removed from mental illnesses rightfully
This life is one but all, a trial that can be so darkening and daunting

Do not let anyone define your need for love and longing
People can be horrible, insensitive, and a boundless trial
We can either break down or fight it at with an unforgiving smile
But let me end on a note that will push you through all the badness
Never let anyone pull you down or define your worth by pushing you into the blackness
You will live a life so happy and complete
That your acquiring of love and longing will be nothing but happy and sweet
Because pain, hurt, betrayal are all the signs of a new beginning and dawning.

Forget not the Kindness of your Lord, because amongst the cruelty of people, He will save you.

My heart hurts very time I see a group of friends together. I wish well for them, but it reminds of specifically the group of friends that left me. It hurts to see that while I didn’t do anything, I was left to myself for no reason, and continued to be pushed aside. My experience of uni has not been what everyone’s usually is. I have friends on my course and while I appreciate them I don’t feel so close to them. All I wanted was to be with people who I could relate to from my heart and my culture. And when I tried to seek it, and tried to refrain from anything bad, I was… aha… ‘kicked’ out without explanation. If you are reading this, please don’t ever exclude someone because of something silly, you don’t know the pain they will feel for that…

I pray to Allah everyday, and in my duas my heart cries, my soul yearns for connection. Because people who I thought I could trust, left me… and every time I see their names, I just try and remember how Just my Allah is, and how He Knows what is best for me. If you are reading this… know that no good can come from the hurt you cause others, and for all others reading this, then please… be kind to those around you, extend your hand to make people happy, because you don’t know who’s heart is yearning for the happiness they see in you, they want to share with you, but are too afraid, too scared and too lost to seek it again.

Here is a poem on one of Allah’s names, Al Karim, that gives my heart comfort and will hopefully, give yours too.

“الکریم

No matter how much
I pour myself into this earth,

some things
are never meant to grow.

As for the duas to My Beloved,
I do not have to worry.

He lets flowers blossom
in places
I did not even ask for.”

-ibtasempoetry

I’m running for a goal that I no longer want
I signed up for the long haul
But the passion has dried out
The stress I can’t take anymore
The obstacles have been so frequent
It takes longer for me to get up now after a fall
The tests have tested me
And found me to be weak
What do I do now
Reaching out to people
Reaching out to strangers
Feeling ashamed at my neediness
In my head when I jump
I AM FREE
But I can’t my religion forbids me
The same people that show me sympathy
Are the same people who cause me grief
They don’t understand
Nobody does
And I’m not just saying that because that’s what a stubborn person like me in my position would say
But I’m saying that because it’s manifested itself as the truth so many times
Every time actually to be more precise
If they understood
They would be here now
A shoulder for me to rest on
Because my head is getting tired of having to be held up
It wants to rest
These thoughts spinning in my head giving me a headache
I should be more responsible with how people treat me
I should be able to talk back and defend myself
So I don’t find myself here again
And when I do talk
I end up saying it all wrong
It’s the frustration
Not at them but at my own self
I shouldn’t be this defenceless
I shouldn’t be this needy
I should learn to respect myself
I should become one of them
Not care about anyone or anything
I hate them